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FYI: Spring 2013 Salutations

My college internship still requires me to email weekly news updates to all the students. And the perk of being able to open the email with whatever I feel like saying is also still required. Here’s all the different openings I used in Spring 2013, minus whichever weeks I didn’t have anything worth posting.

A college. In Spring.

A college. In Spring.

Week 3:

Week three. The beginning of our quest is behind us, and daily activities are settling into repetition. Coffee rations and morale hold steady. Rumors of a “spring break” are faint whispers, ignored in favor of a focus on the task at hand: pressing on.

Here’s the week’s news.

Week 4:

Hey all,

This semester, as you may have noticed, the Cabinet has undergone a graphic-design facelift. Our illustrious editor and friend of mine Joel Shannon (fun fact: if you pronounced that “Joelle,” he’s got two girl names!) has been composing a weekly column. I have it on good authority that his column this week will be on a topic near and dear to all our hearts: how terrible Twitter is. I therefore propose a show of solidarity on the part of those of us with Twitter accounts. We all need to get a new trend in the twittersphere: #nomorehashtags. Get to tweeting!

Week 5:

Hi guys,

I just heard about a health fair we’ve got coming up in a few months… the title is “Health Fair.” Points for being as short and sweet as a candied dwarf, but there’s something missing. “Fair” is just such a boring word when the far more exciting “expo” is available. That word basically means the same thing, but conjures up images of Coney Island dogs or tradesmen hocking wares. And someone gets to just make these event titles up. The opportunity is golden. I’m tempted to improve these titles in the news I deliver via FYI. Ah, the power! Muahahahahahahaha

Week 7:

Hi everyone,

Spring Break officially begins this Friday, March 1 at 5 p.m., and classes resume on Tuesday, March 12 at 8 a.m. All that stands between you and spring break are those terrible midterms! Which has gotten me thinking about a serious question: If I want four hours of energy but only have a five-hour energy drink and a three-hour energy drink, can I get the right amount?

Answer: only if I’ve already drunk enough energy drink to give me the energy to solve that problem. Here’s the weekly news.

Week 8:

Hi all,

Hope no one’s superstitious… Not only is it the 13th all year, but today is also the 13th day of the month. Man… it’s going to get crazy when we hit the 13th month this year. Here’s the news:

Week 9:

Hi everyone,

I’ve long held that we need to raise apathy awareness here on campus, and this seems like a good week to address the issue. Everyone is between spring break and Easter break, and is, like me, just feeling tired of school. I feel like apathy anonymous groups should exist, but there’s no way to get them to meet. The best solution may just be for everyone to carry pitchers of ice water to throw at students who don’t look like they are fully alert and appreciative of their opportunities. Ice water is great for beating apathy.

Week 10:

Hey everyone,

We’re edging nearer to the end of the semester… you know it’s close when we’re almost finished with the required chapel credits. Now may be a good time to address an issue that you will all face post-graduation: professional email addresses. You need a nice, sterile one, but what if your name is already taken!

But fear not, as I have a solution! Take your name and add the word “is” to the end. AdamRoweis@gmail.com is a complete sentence, looks slick, and was a completely free address before I snapped it up. That’s just a tip from your friendly neighborhood PR guy.

Here’s the news:

Week 11:

Hey guys,

It’s the best week of the year so far… sunny and unnaturally warm. Naturally, everyone’s spending it holed up in their houses, cowering from all-powerful HvZ zombies. We know better than to enjoy weather here in western PA. Good weather is for losers. Like zombies. I’m a zombie, and boy is this weather awesome.

Here’s the news.

Week 12:

Hey all,

Registration, when coupled with our particular internet service, strikes me as a fascinating example of the differences between the classes: the freshmen scramble to sign up all at once at exactly 10 p.m., stepping on each other’s metaphorical online toes for half an hour before getting completely signed in; the sophomores are just as nervous, but are all surprised at how much easier it is to register; the juniors have a full week to leisurely sign up while laughing at the mania of the classes beneath them; and seniors just don’t do anything.

It’s a quick image of college life: nervous; calm; confident; ready to leave. But regardless of your class year, you may want to take the time to check out these news points.

Week 13:

Hi everyone,

There comes a time in every semester when the magic is gone. The music has left. Every tendril of the mystery that is your personal higher education experience has seemingly vanished. So it’s a good thing that the One Acts, a collection of student-powered single-act plays, is titled “Music, Mystery and Magic.”

The show starts at 8 p.m. tonight through Friday, and then at 2 p.m. on Saturday. Tickets are two bucks, but it’s worth it to see me swagger around and shoot people.


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