Culled by Jiri Matejicek:
Students at school were asked to write about the harmful environmental effects of oil on fish. One 11-year old wrote, “When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead.
“The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.
Miller’s Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
Without love, breath is just a clock ticking.
Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts. -Finley Peter Dunne
Everyone has a right to make money. A sign posted at a local pub reads “Be safe: Don’t drink and drive. But please still drink.”
If you can’t feel gratitude for what came to you, be thankful for what avoided you. -Todd Beeler
On our crowded planet there are no longer any internal affairs! ~Alexander Solzhenitsyn
Should you have any questions during the exam, just raise your hand. This should cause enough blood to flow to your brain to answer it yourself.
Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long. -Ogden Nash
A new study found that the average child is more likely to own a cellphone than a book. I guess that would explain why he’s average. -Jimmy Fallon
There’s an old saying – There’s No Place Like Home. Well, I went inthe house next door, and it was very, very similar. -Geoffrey Parfitt
They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million. -David Letterman
Our inventions are wont to be pretty toys, which distract our attention from serious things. They are but improved means to an unimproved end. -Henry David Thoreau
That man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest. -Henry David Thoreau
Every time I find out the meaning of life, they change it.
Here’s a fun fact: You know how much Christmas wrapping paper is on the average roll? Four inches less than you need. -Jay Leno
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up with someone on purpose.-Rita Rudner
Without geometry, life is pointless.
There are liars, outliers, and out-and-out liars.
If you want three opinions, just ask two statisticians.
A new study found that women’s faces age and wrinkle just like their mothers. The study was conducted by the American Society of Wrong Things to Say to Your Wife. -Jimmy Fallon
A mission statement is defined as “a long, awkward sentence that demonstrates management’s inability to think clearly.” All good companies have one.
If I’d asked my customers what they wanted, they’d have said a faster horse. -Henry Ford
Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.
I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn’t say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie. -Sting
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
Hospitality, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certainpersons who are not in need of food and lodging. -Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others. -Pericles
Do not bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself. -Willam Faulkner
Optimist: A man who gets treed by a lion but enjoys the scenery.-Walter Winchell
Some of the world’s greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible. -Doug Larson
If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door. -Milton Berle
Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. -Spanish Proverb
There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you’re busy interrupting. -Mark Twain
Winning is everything. The only ones who remember you when you come second are your wife and your dog. -Damon Hill
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. -P. J. O’Rourke
The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised. -George Will
My life has been filled with terrible misfortune; most of which never happened. -Montaigne
Never make the same mistake twice or you’ll never get around to all of them.
I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.
I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want – an adorable pancreas? ~Jean Kerr
At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual. -Patrick Moore
Although Golf was originally restricted to wealthy Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. -Dave Barry
A friend in need is a friend to be avoided. -Lord Samuel
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. -Marty Feldman
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I got my ear pierced at that place on St. Mark’s Place because theysaid they’d do it while I waited.
I’ve been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it. So I’m going to move to New York.
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… Perhaps you’ve seen it.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I installed a skylight in my apartment…. The people who live above me are furious!
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, “the whole time.”-Steven Wright
Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.”-Mary Anne Radmacher
Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light. -Norman B. Rice
Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. -Buddha
I do not fear death, in view of the fact that I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it. -Mark Twain
Gravity can’t be blamed for people falling in love. -Albert Einstein
I didn’t lose my mind, I sold it on eBay.
You might not be able to solve the World’s Problem but when you help even one person, you become part of the Solution.
If you ever die in an elevator, press the up button.
I believe in “Love at first sight” because I have loved my Mother ever since I opened my eyes.
I disagree with my psychiatrist’s assertion that I’m depressed because I have a serotonin imbalance. I’m pretty sure the real reason is that my life sucks.
We need not worry so much about what man descends from- it’s what he descends to that shames the human race. -Mark Twain
It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. -S. den Hartog
A statistician is someone who loves to work with numbers but doesn’t have the personality to be an accountant.
Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive. ~Wallace Irwin
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of ten it will. -Paul Harvey
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal; love leaves a memory no one can steal. -From a headstone in Ireland
Thank you for your cooperation and vice versa. -Eugene Ormandy
Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling. -Margaret Lee Runbeck
We know we’re getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it.
They say that age is all in your mind.The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
Boredom is the deadliest poison. -William F. Buckley, Jr.
You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty. -Mohandas Gandhi
All of us are guinea pigs in the laboratory of God. Humanity is just a work in progress. -Tennessee Williams
It is easier to love humanity as a whole than to love one’s neighbor. -Eric Hoffer
When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard,” I am always tempted to ask,”Compared to what?” -Sydney Harris